Fear of failure. That’s what I am currently struggling with. It’s funny, I used to think that I could care less what people think of me and my actions, and to a certain extent, that is still very true. I don’t care if people think I’m crazy or wild or “out there”. Those things do not bother me.
But, lately I’ve been really feeling the pressure of aging. Getting older. settling into a passion that I can use and transform into work. Knowing that I will soon be out of my 20’s. Out of still being a “young 20 something kid”. No longer being able to say, “I’m still trying to figure things out”, and it be “ok”. Kat says that Astrology shows that this usually happens during these years in ones life. It’s the Saturn Return, and it happens every 29.5 years in ones’ life.
Why has it taken me so long to put myself and my skills out there? I’ve seen how possible it is to do it. But something kept stopping me. For a while, I just thought that I wasn’t yet “ready”. That my skills where not yet mastered. That I was going to start offering up my skills, soon! Always soon. Never now.
Fear of failure.
Self sabotage because of this fear.
Always starting over and beginning a new path. Never really putting myself out there because I didn’t want people to know that I actually don’t’ know what I am doing. That I don’t have it all together like I’ve made myself to be. The fear that not only will I know that I am a failure, because of course that’s been running through my head since I was a child, but that everyone else will know too. Affirming all those times I fought with myself, on how much of a failure I really am. No one can really tear you down like yourself.
That has been my pattern.
So now that I am aware of this, I’ve been trying to figure out how to get past this. Motivational videos have helped, as cheesey as that sounds. Another big one has been asking for help. Realizing that I can’t, and don’t need to, do this alone. So this is where I am currently. Surrendering and accepting the help.