Learning the Language of Emotion

Learning about emotions usually happens when you are a kid. You’re sad, you cry. You’re happy, you smile. Then, as you get older you learn about excitement, anger, confusion, jealousy etc., but is learning the language of emotion just as easy and similar for all? Or, does how we are raised have everything to do with how we handle our emotions and how we communicate them? I’ve always been the person that has trouble communicating my feelings and emotions. Maybe it was because emotions and talks about emotions didn’t really happen growing up. Did I know this? Not until recently. I mean, I knew I understood emotions, and I could recognize them when I saw them expressed by people, but I never really knew my own emotions when they came up. I was never talked to in the language of emotion, at least not in a “well rounded” sense. Anger and hurt were the emotions that ran my house. A lack of comfort. Not that it was done purposefully, I just don’t think my parents were taught how to properly express their own feelings either, as the same with their parents and so on and so forth. It’s crazy how much is passed down from generation to generation, the good the bad and the ugly.

In this past year, I have been doing a lot of self-healing. A lot of internal processing, and a lot of reflecting on my life and how I live it. I’ve made many realizations, some small and some really big. One thing I’ve recently realized is that I’ve never really liked being asked my feelings about a situation. It would bother me so much, and I realize now that it was because I never actually knew how I was feeling. And of course, not knowing something for me was me being a failure. You see, being smart and educated was a really important thing in my house. Having good grades, being a good student, having a stable secure job with benefits. So the fact that I may not know my own emotions when asked seemed, to me, that I would be seen as a dumb person; and of course I couldn’t take that- not with my birth chart (but thats a whole other post).

So now I find myself, 28 years old and barely learning the language of emotions. Learning how to feel and know what I am feeling and then communicating it in a loving and compassionate way. A way like “It makes me sad that you are going through this because it doesn’t always have to be that way, but I am here for you if you need anything.”, when a loved one tells you that they are struggling with a situation. Instead of just saying, “that’s sucks”. Or actually expressing your feelings instead of just shutting down and checking out of a situation/conversation because your feelings got hurt. Such as, “It hurts me when you ask me to repeat myself over three times because it makes me feel like you aren’t listening to me.” These two simple phrases have taken me 28 years to be comfortable saying. Now, I’m not saying that I am the expert on the language of emotions, because I’m not. I am still in the learning phase, and chances are that I may still revert to my old comfortable way of dealing with emotions. It’s a daily thing I work on, but hopefully with each day that goes by those moments happen less.

My Relationship with Emotions

For the past year, I have started walking down a healers path; mostly focusing on self-healing. Like with anything that you first start doing, I tried different healing modalities, went to different healing events, etc. I saw the power in everything I tried. Yet, I still lacked discipline. I could not for the life of me keep a routine up. So because of this, I would go through periods of utter excitement for life and the possibilities because of how great I felt after an experience with self-healing, and then I would not keep up that routine. And I would then get into a rut because I would fall back into my old patterns.

Breaking patterns that you’ve had as a child is a very hard and long process. These patterns are all you’ve known on how to handle situations in life. Even after realizing that it’s not always the best way to react to situations, it’s still hard to break them. It’s even harder to break them when holding on to these patterns are your way of protecting yourself from the world. Or so you think.

I’ve always been a very logical person. I’ve always found pride in myself knowing that I am able to think about issues or problems and come up with logical solutions. In my life, I’ve used this to help friends and family get through situations in life where they aren’t able to see a solution. I enjoyed being a logical person. I enjoyed being “honest” about my opinions. I now see that I used “honesty” as an excuse that being logical was good. But in reality, all it did was keep me arrogant. I wasn’t able to empathize with people. Emotions to me where reasons people couldn’t let go of things. And as I got older, they seemed like a sign of weakness. I didn’t get emotions. I didn’t like them. And if a person ever got emotional at me, I would become super uncomfortable. At times, even bothered, annoyed or mad; and I would tell myself and the person that I was done being honest with them, that if they wanted me to lie, then I would. This issue with emotions got so bad, that anyone who couldn’t see a logical side of a situation would become a crazy person in my eyes. Someone who couldn’t handle life.

These past few weeks I held on so tight to my logical side. So much so that it caused issues in all areas of my life. I was annoyed and angry with everyone! Everyone was out to get me and I couldn’t stand being around people for too long. Soon, I started to feel like that about myself. I didn’t know what was going on. All I knew was I was tired, annoyed and didn’t want to deal with anyone or anything. You’re probably reading this and are thinking, “sounds like you were the one going crazy”, well yes, I definitely did feel like that.

Following a healers path this past year is, honestly in my humble opinion, the only reason I was able to grow and heal — or better yet— start the healing process with my emotions. I went on a healing retreat this past weekend, one I go to twice a year. It’s a three day retreat, where during the first day all the facilitators, myself included, provide different healing modalities for our own personal healing. We meditate, we provide energy healing, sound therapy, sound journeys, body work etc. and then the second day we facilitate the same experience for people looking to get some healing done. This past weekend was one of the most profound experiences I have had while following this path. I made realizations about myself that I have been hiding from not just people but myself as well. I realized where and why my issues with emotions come from.

I realized that the reason why I am so closed to emotions is because I wasn’t raised to show emotions. I wasn’t shown much comfort as a child, I wasn’t hugged much as a child. So, as a child, starting to feel emotions, I learned to process them on my own- logically. Either shut them down or put emotional people down, because that’s what was done to me. I realized that being in your emotions is not a sign of weakness. I realized that being logical all the time is what was stopping me from being able to fully step into my own self-love. I realized that I need to be more compassionate. I realized I need to be opened to giving comfort to people because I absolutely LOVE being comforted now.

I still have a long way to go to be fully comfortable with emotions, and figuring out how to live in balance with my logical side; because that side is still a part of me. As for now though, I will continue to remember to be compassionate and comforting.

Day one of my retreat at Ronora Lodge & Retreat Center

Taking My First Step In My Own Path

As some of you know, this past weekend I packed my bags and headed to Los Angeles on a journey that would for sure change my life. I didn’t know how much, nor did I imagine the enormity of how much my life would change.

A little under a year ago I was reading my emails, mostly scrolling and deleting without really paying attention to the subject lines, until one particular email caught my eyes. It was from Mira Kelley, a past life regressionist whom I had reached out to a few months back for coaching, but was unable to because of financial constraints. Her subject line caught my attention, she would be having a retreat for Past Life Regression certification, and to top it off it would be in Chicago! I thought, “Great, this is how I will work with her! And to top it off I would get certified in past life regression!”

Many obstacles came my way in the next few months, one being that the class would be relocated to Los Angeles; which would mean an added expense to the retreat. But I didn’t care, I had made up my mind that I would be in that retreat no matter what! I’m so glad that I didn’t let these obstacles stop me from going to the retreat, because I got so much from the trip, not just from the class but also from staying with family as well as the city of Los Angeles!

Words cannot describe all the healing and knowledge that I experienced in a short 8 days- which was how long my entire trip was – start to end.

First and foremost, I am so very grateful to Mira Kelley for creating such a great experience and class. She created such an intimate space for all of us, that making connections became inevitable. Secondly, a very special thanks to family who put us up for our trip. The bonds that were made were some of the most purest and loving connections I have made with family. This trip would not have been the same had I not stayed with them, that I am sure of.

And now that this amazing experience has ended, what is stored for me in the future? How can I give back and share all my knowledge? How do I go about integrating all that I have learned? I’ve asked myself these questions, and every time I receive an answer it’s the same one, “use the tools and help people gain the same healing I did when I experienced my own past life regression sessions.” So that is what I am going to do.

Jumping in with both feet, and finally embracing my path as a healer!

 There aren’t enough words to describe how thankful I am to have crossed paths with this beautiful soul!

Some Makeup Appreciation

Playing around with makeup before my little cousin’s Quinceñera. I’ve decided that I have way too much makeup to not use it regularly. I need to find a way to convince my sisters to let me practice new looks on them. You would think they’d be all down to get their makeup done, but whenever I want to they are too lazy to let me! LOL

I guess I just need to start practicing new looks on myself. Just do it Jessica! That’s what everyone always tells me! I guess I’m a little lazy too!!! HAHA

Hello Old Friend

Reunited with makeup & it feels so good! I think I stopped using makeup for a few months because I wasn't feeling self love for myself. I know many people think that makeup is used by women who may not like themselves, but I think it's the opposite. I think when you love yourself and feel beautiful you enhance that love and beauty you feel with makeup. I don't ever do my makeup when I don't feel good about myself- it never comes out right and I get very critical and judgmental towards myself.

This is why I'm so happy that I've picked up my makeup again, because that's how I tell myself that I am in self love!

And what do I do when I am in self love? Selfie photo shoot! Enjoy!