For the past year, I have started walking down a healers path; mostly focusing on self-healing. Like with anything that you first start doing, I tried different healing modalities, went to different healing events, etc. I saw the power in everything I tried. Yet, I still lacked discipline. I could not for the life of me keep a routine up. So because of this, I would go through periods of utter excitement for life and the possibilities because of how great I felt after an experience with self-healing, and then I would not keep up that routine. And I would then get into a rut because I would fall back into my old patterns.
Breaking patterns that you’ve had as a child is a very hard and long process. These patterns are all you’ve known on how to handle situations in life. Even after realizing that it’s not always the best way to react to situations, it’s still hard to break them. It’s even harder to break them when holding on to these patterns are your way of protecting yourself from the world. Or so you think.
I’ve always been a very logical person. I’ve always found pride in myself knowing that I am able to think about issues or problems and come up with logical solutions. In my life, I’ve used this to help friends and family get through situations in life where they aren’t able to see a solution. I enjoyed being a logical person. I enjoyed being “honest” about my opinions. I now see that I used “honesty” as an excuse that being logical was good. But in reality, all it did was keep me arrogant. I wasn’t able to empathize with people. Emotions to me where reasons people couldn’t let go of things. And as I got older, they seemed like a sign of weakness. I didn’t get emotions. I didn’t like them. And if a person ever got emotional at me, I would become super uncomfortable. At times, even bothered, annoyed or mad; and I would tell myself and the person that I was done being honest with them, that if they wanted me to lie, then I would. This issue with emotions got so bad, that anyone who couldn’t see a logical side of a situation would become a crazy person in my eyes. Someone who couldn’t handle life.
These past few weeks I held on so tight to my logical side. So much so that it caused issues in all areas of my life. I was annoyed and angry with everyone! Everyone was out to get me and I couldn’t stand being around people for too long. Soon, I started to feel like that about myself. I didn’t know what was going on. All I knew was I was tired, annoyed and didn’t want to deal with anyone or anything. You’re probably reading this and are thinking, “sounds like you were the one going crazy”, well yes, I definitely did feel like that.
Following a healers path this past year is, honestly in my humble opinion, the only reason I was able to grow and heal — or better yet— start the healing process with my emotions. I went on a healing retreat this past weekend, one I go to twice a year. It’s a three day retreat, where during the first day all the facilitators, myself included, provide different healing modalities for our own personal healing. We meditate, we provide energy healing, sound therapy, sound journeys, body work etc. and then the second day we facilitate the same experience for people looking to get some healing done. This past weekend was one of the most profound experiences I have had while following this path. I made realizations about myself that I have been hiding from not just people but myself as well. I realized where and why my issues with emotions come from.
I realized that the reason why I am so closed to emotions is because I wasn’t raised to show emotions. I wasn’t shown much comfort as a child, I wasn’t hugged much as a child. So, as a child, starting to feel emotions, I learned to process them on my own- logically. Either shut them down or put emotional people down, because that’s what was done to me. I realized that being in your emotions is not a sign of weakness. I realized that being logical all the time is what was stopping me from being able to fully step into my own self-love. I realized that I need to be more compassionate. I realized I need to be opened to giving comfort to people because I absolutely LOVE being comforted now.
I still have a long way to go to be fully comfortable with emotions, and figuring out how to live in balance with my logical side; because that side is still a part of me. As for now though, I will continue to remember to be compassionate and comforting.
Day one of my retreat at Ronora Lodge & Retreat Center